Wednesday, September 28, 2011

This has to stop

I'm not going to beat around the bush...I have been binging constatly lately.  I haven't been able to get through one day without a binge. I realize that I get very overwhelmed with life and when things bother me I don't always realize it's bothering me. I turn to food almost instantly. I don't even realize until i'm eating and at that point sometimes I don't care,  I just want to feel better.

The problem is that it always makes me feel so much worse after that sugar high wears off. It leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless. I feel like I have made so much progress in the past few months but in the past two weeks it feels like I have taken 10 steps back.

I haven't been blogging or journaling much about my feelings lately. I have to remember how important that is. I also think it's time for me to re-read intuitive eating.  I have to remind myself of what "real" hunger is.  I have lost that over these past two weeks.

I actually set myself up big time today. I baked a small batch of peanut butter cookies 8 to be exact, it is now 3:20 and I have eating all 8!  This is so hard for me to admit but that's the truth. I feel kinda sick now.

Here is to starting over, I can't give up. I know that one day this will all fall into place.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Where did she go?

Last night Steve and I went through some old photos from our honeymoon and wedding.  I was doing Weight Watchers about 6 months before the wedding and lost 33lbs for the big day.

I was so dedicated and for the first time ever I was able to stick to a diet without binging. Each week I got a great feeling from seeing that scale drop.  I finally made my goal weight and lifetime right before the wedding


I was able to get a dress that showed off my new shape and I was happy to be at a healthy weight.  I really thought I had it all figured out.

I went to my bachelorette party and was able to wear a form fitting shirt that showed off my waist. Everyone was complimenting me.  I was proud because I set out to do something and I did it.

Little did I know that I didn't have things all figured out.  I enjoyed the festivities but shortly after the wedding the weight started to creep back on.  I started to binge as early as one week after the honeymoon.

I remember sneaking peices of our wedding cake amoung other things.  I just couldn't take it anymore. I really think that I was under a lot of pressure (pressure I put on myself) to be thin for the wedding and after it was all over I was releived. I went back to living how I was before.

I gained all my weight back and it is now 5 years later and I still haven't lost any weight.  One thing that has changed is my inner self.  I have been through a lot of changes and some up's and down's since then. I have grown as a person and have become close to God.  I'm learning and growing everyday.

Of course I look at those pictures and I wish I was that "skinnygirl" again.  But the truth is I wouldn't change anything that has happened because it has made me who I am now. I want to be thinner and healhier but I also want my inner self to match how I look on the outside.  This is taking a little more time than before but I'm ok with that because I want changes that will last.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Feeling Down

So last night I was at the Dollar Tree and found this book for $1!!  I hadn't heard much about it but I have to say the title just spoke to me so I figured what the heck.

I have been back to my binging ways lately.  I have been feeling a little bit down.  I know when I binge something is up with me that isn't right.  I don't always know what is going on but I think I realize now.

I went back to work when my son was about 2 years old.  I was lucky to have the first couple of years at home with him.  I wanted to be with home with him so badly once I had to go back to work.  Now fast forward almost 14 years later.  I'm no longer working.  I left my job back in November and now I babysit my neice.  I'm able to make a little money while still being home for my son.

I have been watching my neice for about 3-4 months now.  I realized the other day that this isn't fufilling me.  I feel that there is something else I should be doing with my life.  I wanted to be home all this time but now that I'am it kinda feels like I don't have a purpose like I did when I was working.  It's funny to hear myself say this because I'm the girl that always hated working and complained about it and stressed about it constatly.

I beleive that there are other factors that contribute to my funk right now. I would say that money is a huge part too.  I'm making a quarter of what I was making before which definately plays a part.  Because we are making less, and because I'm home now we downsized to one car.  It was fine at first, but sometimes I think it bothers me to be stuck in the house with the baby all day.  I don't want to come across as a complainer or ungrateful at all, but I had to get this off my chest.

I tend to look at the ahead and when I think about being in the house day in and day out until the baby is going to school it kinda makes me get down about things.  My sister doesn't have things easy so now that I commited to watching the baby I really can't stop now.  She can't afford anything more than what she is paying me.

Don't get me wrong I love this little girl but I need some more fufillment.  I think that the only way for me to make some happiness for myself right now is to try to get a night job possibly or a hobby or job to do from home.  I want to feel like I have more of a purpose and some goals in life.

Was there ever a time in your life that you commited to something you couldn't get out of at the time, how did you deal with that?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Finally some photos!

I wanted to share some photos of the new place.  As some of you may know I babysit my neice during the day so I have some random bags and baby items around, just pretend you don't see anything laying around  ; )

We are now living in a one bedroom apartment.  There were no two bedrooms available but we decided to take the one bedroom right now and work with the space. The living room is huge so we were able to split it into two rooms, a living room and a bedroom.

We are trying to find something that will split the room in two and act as a wall between the two spaces.  We are possibly thinking of a wall unit or book cases.

View from the living this tree!

Bedroom...sorry for the mess!

Living room...and the baby sleeping on the floor : )

You get a view of the kitchen from the living room 


This is where we want to put the wall unit to hide our bedroom

Our folding table : ) still deciding on a new table

So far the only idea we have for the wall unit in the living room is this

We are hoping this will work but still have to go check it out in person this weekend. 
For our kitchen table we haven't really seen anything that we love just yet. 

Now enough about the apartment.  Today I was up bright and early 5:30 to be exact. My son has to catch a 6:25 bus every other day.  This is going to work well for me since I  otherwise have trouble getting myself out of bed.  When I know that I have to be up for someone else it's much easier.  

I got him on the bus worked out,  read my bible and made breakfast for hubby and I.  I managed to that all by 7:30!  I feel really accomplished . The little one is sleeping and now I finally have time to blog.  Now that school is back in session I will definately be on more of a solid routine which I think works well for me. 

Has your routine changed at all, do you consider it a good or bad change?