Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Random thoughts

I have been missing for a while. I got hit with a stomach bug...ugh! It wasn't pretty. I did notice the scale down to 167, a number I haven't seen in quite sometime. I will admit that it got me a bit excited. I realized that once I resumed normal eating that the scale we go up a bit, of course it did : )

I was just thinking today about when I weighed 145lbs 5 years ago. I remember how great and confident I felt, but on the inside I was suffering. I knew deep down I could not maintain the eating style I had adpoted at that time. I wasn't starving myself, but I wasn't truly using my own hunger and fullness queues either.

I ate my daily points for the day no matter what, I would never eat more if I was still hungry after a meal. I would tell myself I had to wait until the next scheduled meal time. I would make deals with myself constantly, like if you are hungry you can only eat carrots or drink water and you have to wait until 12 to eat again. It seems like a pretty sad life when I look back on it.

Fast forward to the present day. I have learned to eat when I'm hungry no matter what time my last meal was. I'm nowhere near perfect, and I have my moments where old thoughts or habits creep back, but I'm better at warding them off now.

Today I had a moment where I thought about eating a cocunut macaroon, and then I said no, no, you can't have one now. I realized that the moment that I first tell myself I CAN'T have something means that the old voice is creeping in. Now I have decided if I want a cookie that is just what I'm going to have! I can't keep battling myself. If I want something I have to have it because if I don't it will lead to 5 cookies and maybe followed up with chips or whatever else I can use to beat myself up for "messing up".

My final conculsion for today is that I often think that I might get back to that weight of 145lbs, and I also wonder why I have been about the same weight for a year now, but the truth is maybe this is my happy weight. Maybe this is where my body is truly comfortable and if that's the case, I think it's becoming easier each day to accept that.

I hope you have a great day!

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