Today I just wanted to tell you all the things that are currently on my mind.
I have been complaining a lot to my husband about how unhappy and fat I feel and how none of my clothes are fitting. I can button my pants but they are so tight and uncomfortable! Some of you might be able to relate to that feeling.
I tell myself that I'm not buying a size bigger but the the truth is in order for me to feel better about myself and to start treating myself with love and respect, I first have to start with dressing properly so I can feel a little better right now.
I have been pretty much binging again these days, or at least I can say emotionally eating for sure. There are no excuses but I know it is related to my back problems and now I have an injured foot. I feel kinda hopeless because I'm not able to exercise at all! I think this makes me eat more because in my mind I think if I can't do things exactly the way I want I fear it won't work, so what do I do? I sabatoge myself. It makes no sence, but I realized today that's what is happening. When I'm not eating right I know there is always a reason but sometimes it takes a little digging to find out what it is.
I also went to the bridal shower this weekend and it triggered my jealous thoughts of how bad I wanted to be skinny like all these other girls. When I think like this I get even more down on myself and I end up wanting an instant solution to loosing weight! I went home and started to research different diets. I even told my husband that I was starting something Monday. He said that I say that every Sunday night lol. This is sad but true.
When I finally calm down and get back to reality the truth is I don't want to go on another diet. I really want to loose this weight and feel good again but I just can't bring myself to go on another diet. I just want this to be my own journey. I know that in the end that is the only way this is going to work. I need to make changes that I can stick with. I just haven't been able to figure it all out just yet.
I'm trying so hard not to give up and to keep at this. I have to get rid of this diet mentality and start eating when I'm hungry and trying to take better care of myself.
Maybe that should start with a shopping trip : )